Procrastinator’s Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing. It would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing one.

5. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the propbability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always start, inititate, take the first step, and/or writee  the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator\s Society) if they ever get it organized.

 Murphy’s Laws

1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.

2. Everything takes longer than you think.

3. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: IF there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

5. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

6. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

7. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

8. If anything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

10. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

 

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense

Common Sense lived a long life but died recently in Canada. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth, records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service; helping folks get the job done without fanfare and foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits had no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn’t always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (DON”T SPEND MORE THAN YOU EARN), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it’s okay to come in second.

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and the “new math’.

But his health declined when he became infected with the ‘If it only helps one person it’s worth it’ virus.

In recent decades, his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers.

His health rapidly deteriorated when schools implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live, as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims did, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally, when people, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, were awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic, while keeping himself informed of developments regarding questionable regulations for low flow toilets and rocking chairs.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepsiblings: My Rights, and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized that Common Sense was gone.

—Received from R. Chmelyk.

   What do you see, nurses?
   What do you see?
   What are you thinking
   When you're looking at me?
            
   A crabby old woman,
   Not very wise,
   Uncertain of habit,
   With faraway eyes?
            
   Who dribbles her food
   And makes no reply
   When you say in a loud voice,
   "I do wish you'd try!"
                                                
   Who seems not to notice
   The things that you do,
   And forever is losing
   A stocking or shoe?
                                                
   Who, resisting or not,
   Lets you do as you will,
   With bathing and feeding,
   The long day to fill?
                                                
   Is that what you're thinking?
   Is that what you see?
   Then open your eyes, nurse,
   You're not looking at me.
                                                
   I'll tell you who I am
   As I sit here so still,
   As I do at your bidding,
   As I eat at your will.
            
   I'm a small child of ten
   With a father and mother,
   Brothers and sisters,
   Who love one another.
            
   A young girl of sixteen
   With wings on her feet
   Dreaming that soon now
   A lover she'll meet.
            
   A bride soon at twenty,
   My heart gives a leap,
   Remembering the vows
   That I promised to keep
            
   At twenty-five now,
   I have young of my own,
   Who need me to guide
   And a secure happy home.
                                                             
   A woman of thirty,
   My young now grown fast,
   Bound to each other
   With ties that should last.
            

  At forty, my young sons
   Have grown and are gone,
   But my man's beside me
   To see I don't mourn.
                                                
   At fifty once more,
   Babies play round my knee,
   Again we know children,
   My loved one and me.
                                                
   Dark days are upon me,
   My husband is dead,
   I look at the future,
   I shudder with dread.
            
   For my young are all rearing
   Young of their own,
   And I think of the years
   And the love that I've known.
            
   I'm now an old woman
   And nature is cruel;
   'Tis jest to make old age
   Look like a fool.
            
   The body, it crumbles,
   Grace and vigor depart,
   There is now a stone
   Where I once had a heart.
            
   But inside this old carcass
   A young girl still dwells,
   And now and again,
   My battered heart swells.
            
   I remember the joys,
   I remember the pain,
   And I'm loving and living
   Life over again.
            
   I think of the years
   All too few, gone too fast,
   And accept the stark fact
   That nothing can last.
            
   So open your eyes, people,
   Open and see,
   Not a crabby old woman;
   Look closer . . . see ME!!
            
   Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within...........we will all, one
day, be there, too!

—Received from Old Digger

  

The Crabby Old Woman

  When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem.

Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Ireland.

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